INNOCENT CONFESSION 1.0


When I was a kid of about 14, I set my friend on fire. I wasn’t upset with him or anything. I mean, except for the time when he imitated my dad as a clown with Tourette syndrome at the town picnic , and the one time he made fun of my favorite parachute pants, I thought he was a pretty nice guy. I sort of didn’t really mean to set him on fire. It just kind of happened. Weird.

INNOCENT CONFESSION 2.0

The first time I masturbated I thought I had pissed myself. I was 12 years old, in bed one night. I don’t know what prompted me to do it. I think I heard about it in school one day. Got curious.

I didn’t really know what had happened. The closest thing I had ever experienced to an orgasm before that was urination. So, I thought I pissed myself.

And I got to thinking about it. They aren’t that much different. Both are warm, both make a mess, and both are relieving (to a different degree, but sometimes to the same). The only difference I could see was that with pissing, you’re always trying to hold it for later, and with masturbating, you’re always in a hurry to finish. It takes work either way.

INNOCENT CONFESSION 2.1

I think that most boys while growing up, having just reached puberty, has humped a swing set. What a ride on the seat of a John Deer lawn mower is for a young girl, the poles of a swing set is for a boy.

My guy friends and I would play this game where we had to climb the poles of the big swings in the playground. It was easy. Everyone just wrap thier legs around the post and raced to the top. The first there, won. Except, none of us seemed to want to win. We kept pretending we couldn’t reach the top. Sometimes it would be too high, even though we were already 12 feet off the ground, and neck-and-neck 3 feet from the top. Or, we’d be too tired to go on, having to lose that round, yet we still managed to continue stroking our pole bewtween our legs for another 10 minutes.

INNOCENT CONFESSION 4.3

My first crush was Mary Poppins. There was something about the idea of a strict, pretty, English woman all buttoned up and playing with me in my bedroom. I wanted to know what else she could do with that umbrella of hers.

INNOCENT CONFESSION 6.0

I wanted to be David Hasselhoff.