I'M NOT SINGLE
I'm Romantically Challenged


Sometimes I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. But a lot of the time I can’t help feeling that I’m getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid. I can tell you, a bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

I think part of the answer lies in the fact that it’s tough to meet women in this city because I don't do the bar and club scene. What’s that saying—“A drunk person’s words are a sober person’s thoughts”? Well, in that situation my only thoughts are second thoughts. I'll have a drink now and then, and I like a great wine with dinner, but I drink very little alcohol. And I never need it to be social or have a good time; that is, I don’t drink to make other people interesting. I guess that’s my own fault, but it would be great to meet someone similar, someone who doesn’t follow this motto in life: “Beer—the reason I wake up every afternoon.”

(Many have told me that that is nearly impossible in New York City. If that’s true, then I really am screwed. I once had a girlfriend who would tell me that she wasn’t drunk because she could lay on the floor without holding on. Now, I like amusement as much as the next person, but after a while that just got boring.)

And meeting women can be dangerous work, like a mouse approaching a mousetrap garnished with cheese. She looks so lovely, smells so sweet, if I could just—WHAM, what the…?

Maybe that’s because my pick-up lines really suck. “I’d buy you a drink, but I’ll be jealous of the straw.” Or, “Are you wearing lipstick? Mind if I taste it?” And this one never works, “Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don't like pizza?”

The other problem seems to be that I am a non-smoker. And non-smokers seem to be way out numbered by smokers in New York City. Even some non-smokers are smokers. In the last couple of relationships I had, my girlfriends would say, months after we started dating, “No, I’m not a smoker. I only smoke when I’m out drinking.” Oh, well then what’s the big deal? Hell, I’m not a cheater. I only cheat when I’m not with you.

Not that I think smokers or drinkers are evil people—many of my friends drink and smoke and we’re as happy as turtles on a log. To say that I do not want to date a smoker or frequent drinker is not saying something superficial or superior, such as, "Elevators smell different to midgets, and therefore I don’t like midgets." In terms of a romantic relationship—something intimate and loving—we all have certain criteria for that special person. Exactly what those criteria are depends on one’s personal interests and level of desperation at any one time, but I’ll save that topic for another time.

What, then, after all this ranting, do I find attractive in a woman?

All generalizations are dangerous, even this one. I might say that she'd be a little shy, which is sexy, but she can communicate her needs, desires, and feelings, which is very sexy. She's the 3 C's of intelligence: creative, curious, and challenges my own thinking. She knows who she is, and she doesn't try to be what she thinks other people want her to be. Except, be naughty—save Santa the trip. She doesn’t need to lead me into temptation. I can find the way just fine myself. But she should be feminine, smart, fit, healthy, and funny.

And just like a man wrapped up in himself, she’d make a very small package if she were wrapped up in her own image. Beauty isn’t everything. Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit. Even me.




(And no, I do not use those, or any other, pick-up lines; but thanks for all the hopeful suggestions in that department, guys.)


Downs - Copyright © 2005


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