WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?


I swear there is a phobia for everything. There are so many phobias out there that it’s pretty certain each and everyone of us suffers from one to some degree. So I went looking for a phobia to have. And to my delight, I found one. But, in the search for the name of my own phobia, I discovered that the range of human fears is vast and divergent, and when compared to some of the other phobias, mine is disappointingly uncool.

You have your common fears, like the fear of spiders (Arachnephobia), and the fear of heights (Batophobia), and the fear of flying (Aviophobia). Mine falls some where between these and the next level. For beyond these, you have the truly remarkable, like the fear of fat people (Cacomorphobia), the fear of being tickled by feathers (Pteronophobia), and of course Autodysomophobia, the fear of people with a vile odor. A step yet above these, you have the fear of hearing good news (Euphobia), the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth (Arachibutyrophobia), and heaven forbid, the fear of the great mole rat (Zemmiphobia).

One of my personal favorites from this catagory is Levophobia, the fear of things to or on the left side of the body. Could you imagine being a lefty with this problem?

But wait, it gets even better. I came across a few other phobias that are deserving of some individual attention. These phobias must be the crowning achievements of the human ability to shit ourselves over everyday things, as I read somewhere recently, "Our deepest fears reside just behind the everyday and the banal."

Firstly, how the hell does someone who suffers from Barophobia, the fear of gravity, get through life? At a website titled "Barophobia: Treatment and Hope" one learns that "most barophobia therapies take months or years and sometimes even require the patient to be exposed repeatedly to their fear." What? If therapies only "sometimes require the patient to be exposed repeatedly to their fear," then where the hell are they when they aren't being exposed to gravity? You can’t exactly avoid gravity. Where do you go to feel safe? Does this person spend his or her life hanging from things? Are they the ones who become astronauts and want to live in space stations?

And as if that isn't bizarre enough, the website later goes on to say that "Barophobia will likely cost you tens, even hundreds of thousands of dollars over the course of your lifetime, let alone the cost to your health and quality of life. Now Barophobia can be gone for less than the price of a round-trip airline ticket." Would someone really, really smart please give me just one reason why a person who suffers from the fear of GRAVITY would even care how much an airline ticket costs. Planes come down, sometimes very hard, like crashing-type hard. At least if you're in orbit, you can pretty much chill and not worry about it.

Second. Last I heard, the Dutch were not a particularly frightening or dangerous folk. In fact, they are very peaceful and jolly. Historically, they have contributed greatly to the world with cartography, art, and smelly cheeses. Nevertheless, Dutchphobia exists.

One website assures us that Dutchphobia is "unwarranted and irrational." No shit. And I wonder - can someone who suffers from this fear actually detect a Dutch person in a crowd? I tried to find out, but there seems to be very little about this mysterious phobia. I did come across one chat room, however, dedicated entirely to Dutchphobia. But it was all in Dutch. (www.dimitri.org/?itemid=249)

And finally, Walloonphobia—The fear of the Walloons. Oh my god, who the fuck are the Walloons*?

As horrible as it would be to have to suffer from any one of these phobias, it soon occurred to me that it’s possible for someone to suffer from more than one phobia at the same time. Imagine the possible repercussions of this. If you have Stasibasiphobia, you have the fear of standing or walking. But what if you also have Kathisophobia, the fear of sitting down? Now what are you going to do? If you suffer from this combination, then you’d probably be happy to also suffer from the fear of gravity if only you could do something about it. But you can’t.

However, it works the other way, too. Having to go through life with Panophobia, the fear of everything, is inconceivable. Everything you taste, touch, smell, hear and see—clothes, food, shower curtains, lady bugs, a Q-Tip—would scare the shit out of you. The only way I can imagine one could live a semi-normal life with this problem would be to also suffer from Optophobia, the fear of opening one's eyes. At least with your eyes closed, you can’t scare yourself to death if you look in a mirror.

Lastly, I have some advice for women. I highly recommend that every woman screen their potential partner for the following four phobias before committing to a serious relationship. You may otherwise be very disappointed.

1. Dishabiliophobia—the fear of undressing in front of someone
2. Clinophobia—the fear of going to bed
3. Eurotophobia—the fear of female genitalia
4. And finally, Ithyphallophobia—the fear of having an erection

All of this makes me feel a little dissatisfied with my phobia. It’s not so bad going through life with Helminthophobia, the fear of being infested with worms. (It's just that I'm always so hungry, and so I wonder...)

If you’re interested in finding the name of a phobia, or just want to see what other phobias are out there, you can visit:

www.phobialist.com

Cartoon: "I have a phobia of people with phobias."



( * The Walloons, by the way, are a group of people living in Southern Belgium who traditionally spoke a dialect of French called Walloon, but who today for the most part speak standard French.)



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