THE KNIGHT RIDER GUY

I am up late tonight and, feeling like I don't have anyone in my life right now, started thinking about the first time I was interested in a girl. (Really, I'm thinking about the larger, metaphysical aspects of relationships and love, what it means to find "the one" and whether people are in our lives to fulfill a certain purpose for that period, then move on - but all that shit is just way to heavy to write about at two in the morning.)

When I started liking girls, I was in elementary school. Back then, and I mean way back then, the coolest thing around was the Knight Rider guy, David Hasselhoff. The Knight Rider guy showed the world how to swoon women, and every Friday night at 8, you bet I was taking notes.

He always knew what to do. And I noticed his shirts were always unbuttoned down a few holes. Even though at 12 years of age I didn’t have curly eye-catching chest hair, like my idol and mentor, I understood that an unbuttoned shirt was the key to getting girls. And that was how I was going to score my first date ever.

I had the hots for this girl named Carrie. She was delicate and reminded me of tissue paper. One day in class we were standing in line to pick up our projects. Carrie and I were at the back of the line. This was my in.

Trained to be ever vigilant, my shirt was already unbuttoned and I arranged the slit of the opening to show just the right amount of my muscular 12 year old chest. Show too little, and it might not work. Too much, and she might faint. I stood right behind her and leaned one shoulder against the wall, an advanced move that I still had not fully mastered, but she couldn’t tell. I was too good, and I was good to go.

“Hi, Carrie. What’s up?”

She turned around. “Hey, Space Boy. How are you today?”

“Fabulous, now that I’m looking at you.” I did a dramatic look-away, to lure her in. The Knight Rider guy used it once on a lawyer chick that kept ignoring him. Carrie didn’t have a chance.

“W-whaaat?” She was obviously sweep off her feet.

“You know, baby. Want to sit together at lunch?”

“Oh, Space Boy…”

Yeah, baby, just say it…

“…your shirt’s undone. And, you look ridiculous.”



Downs - Copyright © 2005


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