TOP 5 CONVERSATIONAL MOMENTS
(on bad first dates)

I don't get too many dating opportunities, so when I do it's a big deal. But sometimes one never knows what one will get on a first date. Below are some of the more interesting moments I have had.


CONVERSATION #1

INITIALS: A.W.
AGE: 23
PLACE: Classy Diner
TIME FRAME: 20 minutes after meeting

Me: I bore you, don’t I?
AW: Nope.
(Silence.)
Me: So…want to order?
AW: Sure.
(Waitress arrives.)
Waitress: What cha want?
(AW stares.)
Waitress: Well, did you want something?
AW: Yeah, I do. I want something that died in pain.
(Exchange of glances all around.)
AW: Something that suffered in life.
Waitress: Are you sick?
AW: No, I’m hungry.
Waitress: So, what do you want…to eat?
AW: Anger. Flesh.
Waitress: You want a steak?
AW: I want feeling. Some kind of expression. Madness will do.
Waitress: Mister, your friend’s fucked up. (Waitress begins to leave.)
AW: No, wait. I want your tears, in a bowl. I want your hopes, boiled in fear. And I want your will, chewed by doubt and free to disappear.
Waitress: Shit, girl.


CONVERSATION #2

INITIALS: D.L.
AGE: 31
PLACE: Hotel Lounge
TIME FRAME: 7 minutes after meeting

DL: I think you’re pretty cute.
Me: Hey, thanks. You’re attractive, too.
DL: Let’s toast to our attractiveness.
(We toast and take a sip of wine.)
DL: Ah, that’s really nice.
Me: Yeah.
DL: So, let’s get to the real business. How big’s your dick?


CONVERSATION #3

INITIALS: J.K.
AGE: 24
PLACE: Fancy Korean Restaurant
TIME FRAME: 5 minutes into dinner

Me: This is a really nice place.
JK: Yeah, I like it. I come here all the time.
Me: You like the food that much?
JK: Hee-hee, yeah. And the waiters are all really hot.
(I look at the waiters.)
Me: Yeah, that’s strange. There are only really good-looking men working here. How’s that?
JK: The owner is a gay Korean guy. He wants only hot guys to work for him.
Me: Wow, that must be frustrating—to eat at a place with hot waiters serving you, but they’re all gay!
JK: No. I’ve fucked them all. Oh, and those two came over together last week. Hey, guys! (Waves to waiters at the bar.)


CONVERSATION #4

INITIALS: N.V.
AGE: 28
PLACE: An Italian Eatery
TIME FRAME: 30 minutes into dinner

Me: So tell me about the design project you’re working on.
NV: It’s a bar in the East village.
Me: Cool. What’s your inspiration?
(Her phone rings.)
NV: Sorry, hold on. (Looks at phone) Oh, shit.
Me: What’s wrong?
NV: It’s my boyfriend. But he’s supposed to be busy right now.
Me: You have a boyfriend?
NV: Didn’t I tell you?
Me: No.
NV: I have to answer this.
Me. Well, okay…
NV (on phone): Hi, baby. Yeah… Just having dinner with a friend. I thought you… What, why? Don’t you like her? I spent $300 on a stripper for you and you think she’s ugly? (Listens a moment.) Well fine, get a different one, but I’m not paying for it.


CONVERSATION #5

INITIALS: E.G.
AGE: 32
PLACE: Swings at a park
TIME FRAME: 4 hours after meeting

EG: This is so fun! (She swings.)
Me: It’s great to be a kid sometimes.
EG: Yeah. I feel really relaxed with you. Like I can tell you anything.
Me: Ha, okay, so tell me something.
EG: Hm, well. Have you ever fucked a cantaloupe?
Me: What?
EG: It’s something guys do, right? You cut a hole in the cantaloupe, and then you put it in the oven for a few minutes to warm it up. It’s supposed to feel just like a girl.
Me: Huh.
EG: I like frozen pickles.



Downs - Copyright © 2005


Related Posting: I'm Not Single, I'm Romantically Challenged
Related Posting: The Knight Rider Guy
Related Posting: Reconsider This