PLANNED PROCRASTINATION
Avoid getting a life


It’s not easy to procrastinate. I have seen many friends try to do it and fail miserably. Lacking the necessary experience and emotional strength to guiltlessly avoid one’s responsibilities, they always seem to get their shit done. And for that, they suffer in life. They have to go to jobs, they actually have to do work, and they have bosses to report to. They have homes to clean, cars to drive, and bills to pay. In short, they have lives. Horrifying, isn’t it?

That is why I’ve written this short article. Over the years I’ve learned that when something needs to be done, no matter how unimportant or trivial, efficiently and successfully neglecting it takes a well thought out plan. I would say that I am sorry I did not shared some of my secrets of procrastination sooner, for it would have saved many from needless suffering, but I am proud that it has taken me over 15 years. If I had done this sooner, then I too would have suffered from not procrastinating, and how could I have lived with myself?

Professional procrastinators, called cunctators amongst peers (or losers by the rest of society), use a variety of proven techniques to avoid getting a life. For example, all good losers know that it’s essential to set very high expectations. The higher the expectations, the less likely you’ll reach them and the sooner you’ll get frustrated and see the pointlessness of it all. It’s now emotionally easier to say, “Fuck it,” and do the many other things you’ve been meaning to do but have not done.

Go ahead—now’s the time to post that personals ad for casual sex on the Internet. Stay up all night doing cyber-sex through your instant messenger with the strangers who answered your ad. It matters not if the other person is someone you’d choose death over touching in real life, or that you don’t even know the person is the same sex as you but you are heterosexual. Good procrastination is open-mindedness.

Another technique is to clearly define the task or responsibility that you need to accomplish. A clearly identifiable goal is much easier to avoid than one left in ambiguous terms. If a task is left uncertain, one might accidentally accomplish it without realizing. To avoid this, write the task down, learn it, recognize its immense importance and why you should do it immediately, and then ask yourself: When was the last time I used my credit cards? Max them out now.

I hesitate to share the following, and last, technique with you because of its high fatality rate. Though it is very possible that upon execution of this method of procrastination the inexperienced loser could die, I feel that with proper coaching one could use it to unremittingly avoid getting a life forever. (Though I suppose if you die trying this, then you’ll accomplish that anyway.)

When presented with an important task to do, think of an outrageous character to dress up as and spend your day harassing people as that character. For example, when things get really heavy for me, I don my yellow kangaroo suit and run around the city squirting people with a water pistol from my crotch. Not only is this a great way to avoid whatever it is that I need to do and to meet new people, I also get amazing exercise running away from them while wearing a 30 pound yellow kangaroo costume that does not allow me to hide in a crowd if I need a breather.

Your character can be anything. The important part is how you harass other people. Here are a couple examples from my fellow losers.



Tommy prefers to knock on the doors of strangers, barge in, and use their toilets without permission.

Mark finds great stress relief in waking up his friends while wearing a hockey mask and holding a large clever.



Procrastination. It’s difficult to do, and do well. But once mastered, you can rest assured that you will never again have to deal with getting a life.





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