I'M NOT SINGLE
I'm Romantically Challenged


Sometimes I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. But a lot of the time I can’t help feeling that I’m getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid. I can tell you, a bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

I think part of the answer lies in the fact that it’s tough to meet women in this city because I don't do the bar and club scene. What’s that saying—“A drunk person’s words are a sober person’s thoughts”? Well, in that situation my only thoughts are second thoughts. I'll have a drink now and then, and I like a great wine with dinner, but I drink very little alcohol. And I never need it to be social or have a good time; that is, I don’t drink to make other people interesting. I guess that’s my own fault, but it would be great to meet someone similar, someone who doesn’t follow this motto in life: “Beer—the reason I wake up every afternoon.”

(Many have told me that that is nearly impossible in New York City. If that’s true, then I really am screwed. I once had a girlfriend who would tell me that she wasn’t drunk because she could lay on the floor without holding on. Now, I like amusement as much as the next person, but after a while that just got boring.)

And meeting women can be dangerous work, like a mouse approaching a mousetrap garnished with cheese. She looks so lovely, smells so sweet, if I could just—WHAM, what the…?

Maybe that’s because my pick-up lines really suck. “I’d buy you a drink, but I’ll be jealous of the straw.” Or, “Are you wearing lipstick? Mind if I taste it?” And this one never works, “Hey, you want to go out for pizza and some sex? What, you don't like pizza?”

The other problem seems to be that I am a non-smoker. And non-smokers seem to be way out numbered by smokers in New York City. Even some non-smokers are smokers. In the last couple of relationships I had, my girlfriends would say, months after we started dating, “No, I’m not a smoker. I only smoke when I’m out drinking.” Oh, well then what’s the big deal? Hell, I’m not a cheater. I only cheat when I’m not with you.

Not that I think smokers or drinkers are evil people—many of my friends drink and smoke and we’re as happy as turtles on a log. To say that I do not want to date a smoker or frequent drinker is not saying something superficial or superior, such as, "Elevators smell different to midgets, and therefore I don’t like midgets." In terms of a romantic relationship—something intimate and loving—we all have certain criteria for that special person. Exactly what those criteria are depends on one’s personal interests and level of desperation at any one time, but I’ll save that topic for another time.

What, then, after all this ranting, do I find attractive in a woman?

All generalizations are dangerous, even this one. I might say that she'd be a little shy, which is sexy, but she can communicate her needs, desires, and feelings, which is very sexy. She's the 3 C's of intelligence: creative, curious, and challenges my own thinking. She knows who she is, and she doesn't try to be what she thinks other people want her to be. Except, be naughty—save Santa the trip. She doesn’t need to lead me into temptation. I can find the way just fine myself. But she should be feminine, smart, fit, healthy, and funny.

And just like a man wrapped up in himself, she’d make a very small package if she were wrapped up in her own image. Beauty isn’t everything. Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit. Even me.




(And no, I do not use those, or any other, pick-up lines; but thanks for all the hopeful suggestions in that department, guys.)


Downs - Copyright © 2005


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REGAINING PERSPECTIVE

Great conversation is rare. It is rare precisely because it is so subjective. Its quality and color depend on your needs and interests at a particular moment in time more than on a set formula that, if followed, will reflect your ability to talk to others. And sometimes, you don’t even know what you need until you hear it.

Recently, that happened to me.

On a particularly interesting day, a day that leaned more towards the bad side of interesting than the good, a co-worker and I decided it would be best to get a drink. Neither of us really drink big people drinks, so getting a drink meant to us sitting in a comfortable place and milking our glasses of wine for hours. But the wine wasn't what we needed. In reality, what we needed was to have a casual conversation about nothing.

And that’s when it happened. We had never sat down together to talk like this before. The conversation was engaging, funny, at times surprisingly intimate and open, and often it was in flux from topic to topic. Just the way I like conversations to be. What made this conversation great, however, was a particular focus we returned to over and over: personal values.

The point is not that our values, save one, were more or less equivalent, but that we were able to talk about them unfalteringly. For me, hearing someone else speak of values with such unwavering confidence was refreshing and encouraging. The conversation reoriented me and gave me perspective in what has been a personally and privately turbulent time. Her strength has given me the courage to be indissoluble in me own needs.

Thanks, little t.



Downs - Copyright © 2005


(The painting above: Conversation - Pierre Borenave)

QUOTE OF THE DAY

And now a deep thought from the most powerful and intelligent man on earth:

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - George W. Bush

Ah, this great country. In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks we take.

PLANNED PROCRASTINATION
Avoid getting a life


It’s not easy to procrastinate. I have seen many friends try to do it and fail miserably. Lacking the necessary experience and emotional strength to guiltlessly avoid one’s responsibilities, they always seem to get their shit done. And for that, they suffer in life. They have to go to jobs, they actually have to do work, and they have bosses to report to. They have homes to clean, cars to drive, and bills to pay. In short, they have lives. Horrifying, isn’t it?

That is why I’ve written this short article. Over the years I’ve learned that when something needs to be done, no matter how unimportant or trivial, efficiently and successfully neglecting it takes a well thought out plan. I would say that I am sorry I did not shared some of my secrets of procrastination sooner, for it would have saved many from needless suffering, but I am proud that it has taken me over 15 years. If I had done this sooner, then I too would have suffered from not procrastinating, and how could I have lived with myself?

Professional procrastinators, called cunctators amongst peers (or losers by the rest of society), use a variety of proven techniques to avoid getting a life. For example, all good losers know that it’s essential to set very high expectations. The higher the expectations, the less likely you’ll reach them and the sooner you’ll get frustrated and see the pointlessness of it all. It’s now emotionally easier to say, “Fuck it,” and do the many other things you’ve been meaning to do but have not done.

Go ahead—now’s the time to post that personals ad for casual sex on the Internet. Stay up all night doing cyber-sex through your instant messenger with the strangers who answered your ad. It matters not if the other person is someone you’d choose death over touching in real life, or that you don’t even know the person is the same sex as you but you are heterosexual. Good procrastination is open-mindedness.

Another technique is to clearly define the task or responsibility that you need to accomplish. A clearly identifiable goal is much easier to avoid than one left in ambiguous terms. If a task is left uncertain, one might accidentally accomplish it without realizing. To avoid this, write the task down, learn it, recognize its immense importance and why you should do it immediately, and then ask yourself: When was the last time I used my credit cards? Max them out now.

I hesitate to share the following, and last, technique with you because of its high fatality rate. Though it is very possible that upon execution of this method of procrastination the inexperienced loser could die, I feel that with proper coaching one could use it to unremittingly avoid getting a life forever. (Though I suppose if you die trying this, then you’ll accomplish that anyway.)

When presented with an important task to do, think of an outrageous character to dress up as and spend your day harassing people as that character. For example, when things get really heavy for me, I don my yellow kangaroo suit and run around the city squirting people with a water pistol from my crotch. Not only is this a great way to avoid whatever it is that I need to do and to meet new people, I also get amazing exercise running away from them while wearing a 30 pound yellow kangaroo costume that does not allow me to hide in a crowd if I need a breather.

Your character can be anything. The important part is how you harass other people. Here are a couple examples from my fellow losers.



Tommy prefers to knock on the doors of strangers, barge in, and use their toilets without permission.

Mark finds great stress relief in waking up his friends while wearing a hockey mask and holding a large clever.



Procrastination. It’s difficult to do, and do well. But once mastered, you can rest assured that you will never again have to deal with getting a life.





Downs - Copyright © 2005


Related Posting: Klingon as a Second Language

A WEEK OF LOSS

To Michelle and Bryan:

You are enduring a lot this week in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina. It could not have happened to people less deserving. But despite the great loss you’ve suffered—and I know that you feel you’ve lost more than a home and possessions, you’ve lost many things that trace the history of your lives together—I am happy that you are both alive and healthy! Hang in there. The worst is over.

My love, S


Click here to donate your support to the victums of Hurricane Katrina.
_________________

To Gen and Allyson:

My heart goes out to you and your family. Your grandfather was a wonderful man, and I'm lucky to have met him. My love, S

As a Japanese American, Bill Kazumi Ishida spent time in the US concentration camps during WWII, and he himself was a war veteran of later conflicts. He died at about a quarter to midnight, August 31, 2005. He was 88. There are few men who could live up to his stature.